Is It Wrong to Want Something That’s Bad for You, or That You Can’t Have?
⚠️ Note: This post contains spoilers by way of thematic reflections on The Wake of Expectations and A Pleasant Fiction. Those who haven't finished both novels may prefer to read them first.
There's a question that runs quietly beneath the surface of our lives, influencing our decisions, our dreams, and our regrets: Is it wrong to want something even if it might ultimately be bad for you, unattainable, or likely to bring unintended pain?
In my novels The Wake of Expectations and A Pleasant Fiction, protagonist Calvin McShane grapples frequently with this question, illuminating the tension between ambition, honesty, and reality through his own life and the lives of those closest to him. Over three parts, we’ll explore three specific situations from Calvin’s journey, each casting unique insights on this deeply human dilemma:
Calvin’s dream of becoming a professional musician
Calvin’s mother’s complex dance between ambition and caregiving
Calvin’s emotional honesty and romantic feelings toward Dani
Part 1: Calvin’s Musical Aspirations
From a young age, Calvin dreams passionately of becoming a professional musician. He dedicates countless hours practicing, writing songs, and envisioning himself on stage. By any conventional measure, though, Calvin’s musical journey ends in disappointment—he never achieves professional success, never earns widespread recognition, and never fully realizes the career he'd imagined.
Was Calvin wrong to want this so badly?
Viewed solely through an external, outcome-focused lens, Calvin’s musical ambitions seem misguided, even foolish. But life rarely follows straight paths, and meaning rarely announces itself in obvious ways. It’s only later, looking back, that Calvin realizes the value hidden within his seemingly unsuccessful pursuit.
Through music, Calvin expresses himself deeply, articulating emotions and ideas he struggles to convey otherwise. The act of creating music becomes a crucial form of self-expression, enriching his inner life regardless of external validation. Even more unexpectedly, his passion for music helps him forge a profound bond with Tom Owens, the mentor who guides him professionally in an entirely different field. Tom, too, had youthful dreams of musical greatness, and this shared experience creates trust and understanding, becoming foundational to Calvin’s future career.
In hindsight, the trajectory seems almost predestined—each disappointment and detour necessary to bring Calvin precisely where he ends up. What appeared initially as failure reveals itself, in retrospect, as deeply meaningful and even essential.
Thus, Calvin’s journey in music emphasizes a fundamental truth: sometimes the value of a dream isn't in achieving the specific goal we set out to reach, but in the ways it shapes us, in the relationships it builds, and in the truths it reveals along the way.
Part 2: Lyanna’s Ambition and Sacrifice
Calvin’s mother, Lyanna, illustrates an even deeper complexity. As a young girl, Lyanna dreamed of financial success and the stability symbolized by a fully staffed mansion. This ambition propelled her to build a successful business, providing for her family, especially her disabled son, Jared, whose care was both deeply fulfilling and overwhelmingly demanding.
Lyanna's life becomes a delicate balancing act between her undeniable responsibility to Jared and her equally powerful drive toward self-actualization through her career. Neither aspect could be easily set aside—one was rooted in profound love and obligation, the other essential to her identity and emotional fulfillment.
Yet, human limits cannot be ignored. Lyanna inevitably had to engage in a form of emotional and responsibility triage, prioritizing her efforts where they were most urgently needed. Jared's care, always demanding and unrelenting, naturally became the highest priority, leaving fewer emotional and physical resources for her other children and husband. This imbalance wasn't due to selfishness or carelessness; it was the inescapable consequence of living within human constraints.
The unintended consequence extended deeply into her marriage as well. Her husband felt increasingly neglected and unappreciated—not only due to Lyanna’s divided attention but also because of what was being asked of him to support her dreams. This growing resentment became the catalyst for his own misguided decisions involving his musical protege, Solitaire—decisions that ultimately brought further turmoil and heartbreak into the family.
Calvin recognizes this deeply human struggle. He sees clearly that his mother's occasional emotional neglect and the strain on his parents’ marriage weren’t reflections of flawed character or lack of love, but rather a testament to the harsh reality of human limitation and the complexity of interwoven responsibilities and ambitions. Lyanna did the best she could under impossible circumstances.
Her story demonstrates vividly how the value of ambition sometimes lies not in its fulfillment but in its motivational force, even when the cost of striving toward our dreams includes inevitable sacrifices and unforeseen consequences.
Part 3: Calvin’s Romantic Honesty and the Risk with Dani
Calvin’s relationship with Dani reveals yet another dimension of this theme. Calvin develops deep romantic feelings for Dani, a close and valued friend. He faces a difficult choice: preserve the friendship by keeping silent, or risk it entirely by revealing how he truly feels.
Calvin chooses honesty, knowing it could damage their relationship irreparably. The result isn't what he hopes for—the romance he desires never materializes, and the friendship does suffer, at least temporarily. From an external viewpoint, Calvin’s attempt appears to fail.
Yet, Calvin could hardly have chosen otherwise. Suppressing his feelings indefinitely would have meant living dishonestly, always wondering about what might have been. The courage to express his emotions, painful as it became, allowed him to remain authentic and true to himself.
Unexpectedly, Calvin’s honesty about his feelings for Dani prevented him from returning to an old relationship with Ilse, one that seemed comfortable but, in retrospect, would have been emotionally unhealthy and limiting, for both of them. His pursuit of Dani, though ultimately unsuccessful, clarified essential truths about himself, his emotional needs, and his capacity for honesty.
Calvin’s experience underscores the idea that emotional honesty is inherently risky, but deeply necessary. Sometimes the value of wanting something—even something unattainable or potentially damaging—lies in the courage and authenticity of acknowledging and pursuing it, rather than in the outcome itself.
Conclusion: The Undeniable Nature of Our Desires
Through Calvin’s musical aspirations, his mother’s complex ambitions, and his emotional risk with Dani, a powerful theme emerges: some desires are simply undeniable. There are things in life we pursue because we have no real choice—like breathing, they are fundamental to our existence, authenticity, and emotional survival.
Writers write because they can’t not write. Musicians create music because the silence of not creating is intolerable. Lovers risk their hearts because the alternative of never knowing feels unbearable. Even when we understand the potential costs, the cost of not pursuing these essential dreams and desires often feels even greater—more intangible, perhaps, but just as real.
When we ask, "Is it wrong to want something we can't have or shouldn't have?" we're often, in essence, asking, "Is it wrong to breathe?" It’s a question that doesn’t make sense, because the wanting is not a choice. These deeply embedded desires, whether fulfilled or unfulfilled, shape who we become, define our character, and reveal the profound human need for meaning, honesty, and self-expression.
Javier
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